Fold
by stonedtoad
Summary: Jack contemplates his future following the events in Shades of Grey. Complete story.


TITLE:-Fold  
  
AUTHOR:- stonedtoad  
  
EMAIL:- leapfrogjb@hotmail.com  
  
SPOILERS:-Shades of Grey  
  
SEASON:-3  
  
RATING:- General  
  
STATUS:- Complete  
  
CONTENT WARNINGS:-None  
  
SUMMARY:-Jack contemplates his future. (Word of month inspired- "FOLD")  
  
DISCLAIMER:- Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES:-My first solo attempt so be kind. Thanks to Louise who is a fantastic author and lets me loose on her fic and who returned the favour by being my beta on this one.  
  
Fold  
  
Maybe it is finally time to fold, to throw in my cards, to retire...  
  
As I'd told Carter I hadn't been myself since we'd first met and the thing is I was telling the truth, I'm not who I was. I've changed, for the better as well as the worse, we've been through so much on the Stargate project, it would be impossible for us to be the same people...  
  
Years of discovery, challenge, pain and struggle, no one can go through that and remain the same, even if they want to and, while I'm being honest, I might as well fess up to being glad to be rid of the man I used to be. Struggling to find purpose in every day, going on in a daze, existing rather than living. Then I was recalled, met up with Daniel Jackson, and the rest, as they say, is history.  
  
Dammit, I was finally settling down and enjoying life again- okay not every day was milk and cookies but its a job and I do it well- when the Asgard and the Tollan come along and order me to lie to my team and pretend to be a traitor against everything I hold dear just to rat out some bad guys. I mean, you can take everything away from a man but his soul. A big part of my soul is my honour, always has been, guess it's the way I've always been.  
  
And ordering me to act as if I was betraying SG1, I mean that team is my family. It's not like that is a big secret how close our team is, and to ask me to betray that, to lie...well that I could do but I knew that to convince them I'd have to be so cruel I'd really hurt them, do some damage no amount of grovelling would fix, and that's exactly what I did. Verbally tore them to pieces for being stupid enough to care, to be my friends. Daniel came off worst, - I'd found the bugs in my home straight away- come on, I earned the rank of Colonel in Black Ops, it wasn't much of a challenge to be honest, but I wasn't expecting Daniel to come around so soon, - I was hoping that I'd be out when he came but no, he came and fool that I am I let him in. Not that he would have taken no for an answer the look he had on his face.  
  
I knew Maybourne would be turning up soon so I had to be quick, but my god, I was so cruel. Telling him he'd never really known me, that our friendship had no foundation, and he bought it all, that really threw me, that he would believe me so readily, just sitting there like a child who'd just seen his dog run over.  
  
And I did that to the man I consider my closest friend. For a job I was no longer sure I believed in. My legacy, cause pain and move on, follow orders regardless of what I believed...no more.  
  
Did I have anything left to offer the Air Force? My role in the Stargate project was one of leadership and if you don't have faith in your own actions you can't be much of leader, but we had all been through so much. SG1 the only unit left with all original members, the warrior, the alien, the genius and the scholar that was how I had heard us described, and once maybe that was true.  
  
As a unit we had been through so much, each of us suffering emotionally, physically and psychologically though the missions we put ourselves through, gaining strength in each other and rebuilding alongside friends, family. We were a family, or we had been. Past tense now I guess, can't see them letting go of this one. I cut too close to the bone with what I had to say, and although they know my actions were to protect them they won't forget how easy it was for me to lie and hurt them without a second glance. Like Sara they can understand, maybe in time even forgive, but they won't forget.  
  
As I sit drowning my sorrows in my favourite beer I realise I have already made my decision, a cowardly one perhaps but if it makes it easier for my team I'll gladly leave. Leave the only security I have left, my family that I had to hurt in the name of protecting them.  
  
I'm already mentally writing my resignation when the doorbell rings and Daniel lets himself in, - really should have got that key back off him when he moved out.  
  
As he grabs a beer and sits down looking at me and waiting I realise that I was giving up not for them but for me. Throwing in my hand so I could escape the guilt on a daily basis.  
  
Maybe it was time to pick up some new cards; I wasn't ready to leave the game. 


End file.
